Hockey and beer

April 24th, 2008

I want to talk a minute about 2 favorite pastimes of mine: bludgeoning my liver and engaging in 3 activities at one time (ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody - to quote George Carlin). The math adds up to men’s league hockey. I play on a few teams in the area, pretty much for fitness and the fact that I am a yesteryear gym class hero, clinging longingly to my youth. But, I’ve discovered that ice hockey in Chester county also addresses another love of mine: beer. Its a common thread among most teams in men’s league. Each game, a different player takes a turn bringing beer of their choice. There is not a lot of thought required for the task; one is not expected to bring Chimay Grand Reserve, but if you schlep a case of natty ice light in under your arm, unchilled, you’re bound to be cut from the roster before faceoff. (For God’s sake, do not bring a stout, porter, or any other mechanism of extreme illness after exercise.) Some teams opt for the Canadian variety of fairly safe and equally bland lagers. For whatever reason, there are a lot of Habs in the area, and they perish without cheap beer with maple leaves somewhere on the label. Teams with no players from north of the border tend to bring the common domestic light beer, which is logical, considering you shouldn’t be refueling your body with booze after sweating out all of your electrolytes, least of all with tasteless watered-down alcohol. When you’re on a team with fellow connoisseurs, the variety gets fun. I mean, I’m not the guy to go out and buy a case of Prima Pils for a game I know we’re going to lose, but I will sometimes get something off of the beaten path. One game, we had some Sly Fox Pikeland Pils. I think 6 out of 14 guys drank it - not familiar looking enough in a can that isn’t silver. Another guy always brings a variety of victory’s. All varieties go, and those of us left over at 2:30 AM in the parking lot usually end up choking down the Golden Monkey (sounds a bit suggestive, but the next morning feels the same, I’m sure). The best beer (from what I’ve been told) that came to one of my WC Thunder games was a Canadian beer that was actually smuggled into the country, Alexander Keiths. Some of the least-hockey beers are those made by Coors - Blue Moon, Harvest Moon, barf. Some guys bring whatever’s left in their fridge after the big party where they had to bring something for the “chicks”. I believe, however, that no self-respecting hockey player would ever make the mistake of bringing a zima or other cooler, but then again, there are some really dumb hockey players out there. All things considered, there really is no undrinkable beer to have after a game. Hell, I even drank a Colt 45 that was brought by a guy playing a joke on the rest of the team. He only brought one to make us think the whole cooler was filled, but I saw the bluff as a means to prove my theory… and because Lando Calrissian is the man. The closest I come to willingly leaving a locker room is usually when the only variety is lager. Yes, Yuengling lager. The beer of beers in southeastern PA. I don’t like it because I feel like I have watered down battery acid in my stomach, and nothing remotely unique on my tastebuds. Now, I’ll remind you - I did not say that I don’t drink it. I just do not like it.
So, if you find yourself new to a sport that involves adults sublimating for the daily transgressions of their workplaces, marriages, or lackthereofages, be sure to bring a cooler filled with something respectable to the first game. If it is hockey, refer to this email. If it is any other sport, refer to this email; there’s a bit of hockey with every bit of icy beer.

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